A Rare Interview with God

I happened on a cave, and went in.  It was a charming little cave, cozy, and conducive to sit down and spend a while.  So, I did and contemplated on our existence in this Universe.  Out of nowhere, a voice spoke.  “What is it you want to know?” He asked.  “Who are you?” was my response.  “God!” The booming voice answered.  What an opportunity to interview Him, who has been in hiding for the last 2000 years.  “Where have you been?”  I asked.  “Omnipresent,” was the answer. “Would you mind if I asked You a few questions?” So, we started this divine encounter.

Me: “What would You like to be called?”

God: “Before I answer that question, I just want to confirm that you can read and write.  The last guy I tried to educate in a cave was illiterate, and needed a scribe. I also had another unfortunate experience in a cave where this virgin misunderstood the messenger angel I sent, and wound up pregnant.  I swear, as God is my witness, I did not touch her.  I should mention that as the Creator of all, and being a Trinity, I have the right and privilege to be my own witness. “

Me: “Let me put your mind at ease, I do not have the anatomical equipment to conceive, and I am also not a virgin.  I can read and write, but since I first learned to do so in German, I do get my sentence structure verbs and nouns order out of whack at times, misspell a lot of words, and I have a real problem with commas.”

God: “OK, as long as you don’t misspell my names.  I go by many names, Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, Adonai, Elohim, and a dozen more, you can just call me The Almighty.”

Me: “Ok, Almighty! Let’s get started with a few basic questions.  How old are You?”

God: “I have always been, even before the universe existed 13.82 billion years ago. And before then, time did not exist, so the question you ask is not a very smart one.  It is like asking where does the earth start?  There is no start, because it is a globe that has no edge, as Columbus found out. I thought you were more sophisticated to ask such dumb questions!”

Me: “Sorry, I knew that, but could not help but ask to hear the answer from the Ultimate Authority.”

God: “Go on! And don’t patronize me!”

Me:  “I apologize, but didn’t think You would mind a little patronizing as that word comes from Latin and means Father.  As I recall, you like to be called Our Father in Heaven, hollowed be thy name.  I never understood why You created us in the first place.  Could you expound on that point a bit?”

God: “I was lonely.  I wanted to converse with someone who was like Me, created in My image.  Incidentally, I speak Latin quite fluently, thank you very much!”

Me:  “Well, You may have attempted to create us in Your image, but from my vantage point, You fell short.  Do you have a belly-button?”

God: “Of course not, don’t you know that is a scar from where you were attached to your mother.  I never had a Mother, for your information.”

Me: “You have a lot of traits just like we do.  The picture of You on the dome of the Sistine Chapel looks a lot like You could be one of us, so I thought You might have a belly button too.  There are a multitude of other problems with being created in Your image.  We have all kinds of anatomic weaknesses, and get all sorts of diseases, from appendicitis to cancer.  I sure hope You don’t get the common cold. You once said You were a Jealous God.  That is a common human trait.  Of whom were You jealous?

God:  “What a silly question!  All those other gods you people have worshiped over the centuries. To name a few: Baal, the Golden Calf, Zeus, Buddha, who I might add is not even a god, just a lowly human who reached Nirvana by just meditating himself there without my help at all.   How very frustrating for Me after all the toil of creating humans out of mud and ribs, not an easy task to say the least.  That is the thanks I get.”

Me: “You are the only one true God, the others are just inanimate idols or humans that took on the job of pretending to be You.  You really don’t need to be jealous of these undeserving inferior beings.”

God: “What do you know of My hopes, fears, dreams, and aspirations? Idols really irk Me to no end! They just stand there, without doing anything, in their graven images, and get all the praise, worship, and thanks from all of you stupid people. Just think of it, all those wooden crucifixes have not turned one human into a pillar of salt, or drowned anybody with 40 days of rain.  Where is the credit I should get for those bits of miraculous achievement?  With all the unpredictability  of the weather, it was not so easy to make it rain for that long at a stretch.   It took a lot of butterflies in China, beating their wings, to get that storm started.  You must admit that drowning all those people, including the unborn, beat out any human atrocities that have been committed or are yet to be committed.

Me: “Speaking of atrocities, why did You allow the murder of 6 million Jews by Hitler, and 11 million Ukrainians by Stalin?

God: “That, my friend, is called free will!  Ever heard of it?”

Me:  “I have, but did You not know, ahead of time, that those people would commit such atrocities?  And if You knew that would happen, and You made no effort to stop them, don’t You share in the responsibility of those murders?  And furthermore, just because You allowed Hitler and Stalin to exercise their free will, how is it fair to those millions of people whose lifes were extinguished?  I’ll bet You a dollar that it was not their free will. Are You going to ask them to forgive You for such a vicious betrayal of their trust in You?

God:  “I forgive, that is what I do.  I don’t ask for forgiveness. You obviously don’t understand my job in this, or any other universe. I am all knowing, all powerful, all benevolent.”

Me: “If you want to stop evil but can’t stop these atrocities you are not all powerful, and if you can but don’t want to stop evil, You are not benevolent.  You can’t have it both ways.”

God:  “You do not, nor can you know,  what my grand plans for humanity are.”

Me:  “Any plan that includes pain, torture, murder, and starvation of men, women, and children, even the unborn, has no place in the realm of a divine being. It is more reminiscent of a monster!”

God: “That is blasphemy! You should be burned at the stake for those comments!”

Me:  “How did it work out for you to burn all those people during the Inquisition, 9/11, and the execution of all those witches? It really didn’t, did it?”

God:” Let’s change the subject.  Ask me easier questions.”

Me:  “Ok, one thing that has puzzled me is how You could punish the whole human race because Eve gave the apple to Adam, and they partook of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  If eating that damned apple did all that damage, I would like to see what kind of response a real sin would evoke in you.  And now they tell me, it wasn’t even an apple. By eating whatever it was, they acquired the knowledge of good and evil, that presupposes they did not have that knowledge before.  After eating it they had that knowledge, and felt shame trying to hide in the Garden of Eden from You.  Before eating it, they did not have the knowledge, so how could they be guilty of the sin, the original sin at that?”

God:  “I told them not to eat from that tree, and they disobeyed.”

Me: “Wasn’t it a  bit of overkill to punish them for such a petty crime as eating an apple, or whatever, especially since your creation, the serpent, tricked them into doing it.  And the whole human race, that came after them, had to suffer for their transgression.  That is not part of the accepted ethical conduct, to punish the offspring for the parents’ sins. Although, admittedly, the Nazi’s thought nothing of it.”

God: Now really, comparing me to Nazis is over the top! You should be a little more careful in your phrasing of questions, and you can’t blame your German language background for that one.

Me: “Since we are in Genesis, let me ask you how you managed to separate light and darkness on the first day just by saying, Fiat Lux  let there be light, and then making the moon, sun, and stars the source of light four days later.”

God: “That is classified.  You don’t expect me to give away all my proprietary secrets, do you?”

Me: “What about heaven?”

God: “What about it?”

Me:  “Is there really a place we all go when we die, called heaven?”

God: “What do you mean, we.  You may not make it after this interview.

Me:  “I am just using my God given intellect to try to understand.  Why is that offensive to You?”

God:  “You must have faith, and believe, without me constantly reinforcing the way things work.”

Me:  “Even Doubting Thomas had to touch the wounds on your son, Jesus Christ, before he was convinced that he was resurrected.”

God:  “Thomas was a little slow, I expect more of you.”

Me:  “If you look up faith in Webster, it states that it is a fervent belief, even when there is no evidence or proof.  When Constantine doubted You, You showed him an incontrovertible sign  in the sky, of a cross with writing that stated, under this sign you shall conquer.  Is it too much to ask You to show me such a definitive sign, as proof of Your existence?  Even better would be, if You showed it to the entire world in all languages, and on all continents, then everyone would believe.”

God:  “That would be too easy.  How, then, can I separate the believers from the heathens? Who deserves to go to heaven and who goes to the other place?  After all, those that don’t believe, need to be punished.”

Me:  “Why do You feel so threatened by the non-believers? They just use the evidence You have given them through geology, biology, astro-physics, and plain logic, to figure out that You are just too unbelievable.”

God: “That is just my point.  You must have faith and belief.  Faith is belief, even if it flies in the face of evidence, science, and logic.  That proves your worthiness to enter heaven, besides nonbelievers ask too many annoying questions, just like you.  I have had enough trouble from my former Chief of Staff Archangel, Lucifer, on that issue.  I had to give him his own domain just to get rid of him.”

Me:  “Just out of curiosity, how do you feed all those people up there?”

God: “Don’t you know anything?  We don’t eat in heaven.  It is not necessary.”

Me:  “Eating is one of humanities great pleasures.  What about the other things humans enjoy?”

God: “Like what?”

Me: “Like music, plays, art, sex, driving fast cars, dancing, good wine, Paris, a good comedian etc. etc.”

God: “We do have music, if you like harps.  About all that other stuff, you will find them at the other place.  Jesus would not approve of all that sin. The Baptists would really have heart burn if I allowed dancing in heaven, and alcohol is out of the question, with the Mormons and Islamists around.”

Me:  “Speaking of your son, why did you put him to death in such a cruel way?  Incidentally, you forgot to send him to all the other continents, so they too could be saved from eternal flames.  North and South America, all of Asia, Africa, Australia, and the two poles did not get the word.  Millions of people never had the benefit of Your son’s death.”

God:  “Don’t blame me for that one.  I told him what would happen. Don’t trust Greeks, or Romans for that matter, bearing gifts. He didn’t listen, too bad he died so young, and couldn’t make it to the rest of the world.  But it’s not true about North and South America.  Joseph Smith wrote, in great detail, of Jesus’ visit to the Americas in the Book of Mormon.  Furthermore, Jesus will return on the second coming, during the end times, to Missouri to start the Rapture.

Me: “Did you know that there were 16 other saviors that were also products of virgin birth and had a bloody sacrificial death for humanity?”

God: “ Who?”

Me:  “I hate to bore you, but you can Google it easily.  Among the more famous are Krishna, Buddha, Mithra, Prometheus, Osiris, Thor, Adonis, and Odin.”

God:  “I don’t like it when humans try to educate me! You should just be grateful for having been saved by My son.”

Me:  “Yes, how did that work?  If Your son dies a horrible death on the cross, why should that wipe out my, or anyone else’s sins? It doesn’t work like that here on earth.  If a crime is committed, no one can assume the perpetrator’s guilt, and erase the criminal’s sins, by suffering for him.”

God: “We have different ideas on jurisprudence in heaven.”

Me: “You could not sell that to any judge or jury that I know.”

God:  “You remind me of the last human I talked to directly, Moses, he didn’t listen to Me either. Besides he was a klutz, kept breaking two of the three versions of the Ten Commandment stone tablets I carved for him, and annoyingly  complained about the burning bush being too hot. I had to kill him to keep him from entering the Promised Land, because he disobeyed me once too often by trying to get water out of a stone. You are not much better, being so critical of the all-powerful, all seeing, all knowing, Creator of all. This interview is over!”